


i don't want to wake up (on my own)

by gunsforhands



Series: i make myself home in the cobwebs and the lies [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Implied/Referenced Child Neglect, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Intentional Drowning, M/M, Mental Hospital, Mental Instability, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, happy ending i swear, just gotta get to it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-25
Updated: 2014-07-25
Packaged: 2018-02-10 08:35:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2018250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gunsforhands/pseuds/gunsforhands
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>an au in which makoto tachibana, a university student living in tokyo, meets haruka nanase, a boy who's tired want to wake up</p>
            </blockquote>





	i don't want to wake up (on my own)

 

 

an au in which makoto tachibana, a college student living in tokyo, meets haruka nanase, a guy who’s tired of waking up.

 

 

* * *

 

Makoto Tachibana always liked helping other people. Though, for all of his good nature, he couldn’t bring himself to go into a major that focuses on other people. He was always good at picking up new languages, so he decided to have linguistics as he major. Before high school, he was already able to speak five languages, including his mother tongue of Japanese, but also English, Spanish, Korean and German. When he graduated high school, he knew Portuguese, American Sign Language, French and Italian.

    His professors were ecstatic about his ability to speak eight languages, and often had him read aloud in class from different texts. No one thought he was stuck-up or a teacher’s pet; he was kind to everyone, and they couldn’t find it in themselves to hate him. Soon, they learned, he was also a good person to talk to, whether it be personal problems or just struggling in school work. Soon enough, he was acquaintances with everyone in his classes, but there were few people who would call his friends.

    The first would be Nagisa Hazuki, an energetic blond with a mouth too big for himself and a habit of meddling. Still, he had been Makoto’s friend since grade school and he didn’t think anything would change that. After him was Rin Matsuoka, a hot-tempered red head who had inexplicably sharp teeth. He had been his friend in grade school, then moved to Australia for a few years before coming back in high school, though they didn’t attend the same school. Both were swimmers, as well as Nagisa and his other friend, Rei Ryugazaki. He was a serious person when it came to studying, but Nagisa always managed to make him go off about something or another.

    Makoto worked at a sports store after school and on the weekends; having been promoted to assistant manager after his first few months. Often times he would have a few tourists come in, most of the time English-speakers, and he would always give them directions. Sometimes they were surprised by his fluency in the language, but others weren’t. Still, he took their comments with a gracious smile as he always did.

    After work, he would go to his apartment and do his homework; his workload never built up too much, he was always working on something or another. And when his homework was finished, he would either get ready for bed, or he would eat if he hadn’t earlier. A few months into his time in Tokyo, he found a stray kitten on the steps up to his apartment building. Always having a soft spot for the small animals, he took it in and three months later, it’s still there, though considerably fatter and now known to be a girl, as well as having the name of Socks. He was always terrible at naming things, but the name was justified by her paws, which were a gray compared to the rest of her black self.

     Once he went to sleep, usual with Socks curled up beside him or on the foot of his bed, he wouldn’t wake up until his alarm went off at six-thirty, signalling he should get ready for school. On weekends, it went off at seven since he didn’t have to be at work until eight most days. And then the cycle would repeat, though sometimes it changed depending on any plans he made with his friends. Sometimes he would wake up earlier and go to the swimming pool at his college to do a few laps, just to make sure he hadn’t forgotten how.

    He didn’t mind that his days were a little routine; he didn’t have time to do anything else, with everything he had to do in one day. He never wished for anything more either, always content with what he had. And sometimes on the holidays he would appease Nagisa by going out with them, which always ended up with him being tipsy or a little bit more, but it didn’t matter.

    He liked routine; it was better than never knowing what was going to happen next.

 

 

* * *

 

Haruka Nanase never knew what was going to happen next. Sometimes he did, like knowing that he would spend four hours in the bathtub or spend another night trying to go to sleep, only to wake up three hours later and wish he never did. When his parents called, he knew what they would say. Their conversations always played out similarly.

     _“How are you doing, Haruka?”_ “I’m fine.” _“Have you been sleeping well?”_ “Yes.” _“Tell us the truth.”_ “I have been sleeping well.” _“Do you need to go see Dr. Amoine again?”_ “No I’m perfectly fine.” _“We’re just worried about you, darling.”_ “You never cared until I died for five minutes.” He would end the conversation with an angry remark like that, hanging up and tossing the phone across the room. It would ring a few more times, before going to voicemail.

    His parents never did care until he had almost died; they were almost too late in finding him. His mother had wandered into the bathroom late at night when they should’ve been in bed. She knew that her son had a habit of falling asleep in the tub, but his lips were blue and his breathing had stopped and his skin was ice cold. She called for her husband who hastily performed CPR while she called the emergencies. He never did breath until the paramedics got there and gave him an oxygen mask and used defibrillators. At the hospital his heart stopped and he was almost pronounced dead until it started again; very faint, but it was there.

    When he was discharged, he was placed in another hospital, this one with nurses who were too cheery for their own good and crushed up blue pills in his water and forced him to eat. They glued his broken pieces back together with blue pills and words of encouragement but they forgot a piece because his chest felt empty and the ghosts that took residence in his head never cleaned up and his thoughts always felt like bullet wounds so he never gave himself time to think.

    Haruka tried to fill up his mind with words that were a hundred years old or even fewer and spoke of adventure and mystery, fantasy and romance. His apartment was crowded with books as he tried to cram that ghost into the side of his head but it always came out at night, whispering in his ear until he felt like he couldn’t take it anymore and eyed the bottle of sleeping pills his doctor prescribed him. But taking only one was like brushing against temptation and he wouldn’t be able to stop if he did.

    So he put up with the ghost and felt his chest fill with cobwebs and sometimes he wondered if they could glue him back together again if he opened his ribs to dust. If that happened, he suppose he wouldn’t wake up again but he decided against it. He could always deal with a little cobweb here and there.

    He only had one friend: Rin Matsuoka. He didn’t see him all that often, because he went to college and was part of their swim team and had other friends. He didn’t mind though. Rin was almost as bad as his parents, always checking if he was okay even if he said it so many time before.

     _(But the three knew that he was lying so they always asked.)_

    Sometimes he invited Haru to go out with him and his other friends. He always declined though, and stuck his head in another book in attempt to drown out the ghost’s whisperings.

    One day he took a bath and stayed in there for five hours.

The ghost was too loud for him to concentrate and he gave up, tearing into his skin to clean out the cobwebs and checking behind his rubs for anything else, because rib cages are there to protect the lungs and heart but there felt like something was lost between the bones and he wanted to find it. And he didn’t find it, because he went to sleep before he could and this time Rin found him, and he went to the hospital once again.

    He was in the normal hospital for one week, before being discharged and sent to another, the same one, even if the stitches kept coming undone and he didn’t have any appetite because they moved his stomach around. No one believed him, but Rin did. He always looked guilty, thinking it was his fault that Haru was sent to the place he hates the second-most in the world.

     _(The first is home.)_

     The nurses were different but they all had that same forced smile and they all crushed his pills in his water in the morning and forced him to eat. They sewed him back up this time, because the glue they used last time was temporary and they told him they didn’t want to see him back there again. They used black thread that felt like rope and and spoke cheeirly, words they were programmed to say but never meant them. He would always look to the side when they spoke; their words meant nothing to him.

    He liked one nurse, an intern, and he even told her about the ghost in his head and the cobwebs clinging to his ribs. She listened and never told anyone, and sent him away with a genuine smile and a small hug, which he reluctantly reciprocated.

     _(Later on he realized that the ghost was quieter now and the cobwebs were gone.)_

    He went back to his apartment only to learn that he wasn’t trusted to live by himself so Rin moved in but he didn’t touch any of his books. He almost never saw his friend, only briefly in the morning or sometimes at night. And sometimes he fell asleep on the couch reading and he woke up in his bed with the book beside him, bookmarked like always.

     _(Having a roommate wasn’t bad but he didn’t like it.)_

    After three months, Haruka was given clearance and Rin moved back out and back into his dorm. Sometimes he felt sad about this, but only when he woke up with a crick in his neck from sleeping on the couch. He didn’t eat as much, only drinking water and if he was hungry, mackerel. His body lost all of the muscle he had from his earlier days, becoming thin and frail and looking as if he could break in a thousand and one places with just one touch.

     _(No one knew he was already broken in a thousand and two places.)_

    Rin still checked up on him regularly, invited him out still and even gave him little presents like new books and new clothes.

     _(Haruka didn’t tell him he liked the baggy ones better because he felt smaller.)_

    Rin came by again, giving him a new set of books ( _A Song of Fire and Ice_ ,” he said, “is adapted into a TV show." Haruka didn’t have a TV, so he settled for the books.) and invited him out again. Both were surprised when a _Yes_ escaped his mouth.

     _(Haruka thought the ghost was the one who spoke.)_

_(The cobwebs were back.)_

 

 

* * *

 

Makoto wasn’t surprised when Rin announced that his friend was coming with him that night. The four had planned on going out to eat at this new restaurant. He knew Rin had a lot of friends, but he didn’t know who to expect. Maybe it was someone like Nitori, his roommate at the dorms who was, in the group's opinion, totally crushing on Rin.

    Still, he tried his best to look good for the new person, though the outcome wasn’t any different from his usual look. He wore a navy shirt, jeans and his favorite orange sneakers and a windbreaker. It was predicted to be chilly that night, so he wanted to be prepared.

    He met Nagisa and Rei at the restaurant’s entrance; they were waiting for Rin and his guest. After a few minutes of waiting, the familiar red head appeared, but he looked alone. Nagisa noticed this, and remarked on it.

    “Hey, Rin-chan, where’s your friend?” He asked, confused. It was after that moment that the guy stepped aside, revealing a guy who looked like a grade-schooler, size-wise. Appearance-wise, he looked like a grade-schooler in his older brother’s clothes, wearing a shirt that almost hung to his knees and pants that were almost too baggy. He had blue eyes, but they were dull. His hair was straight and jet-black, the lights glinting off of it.

     Rin introduced him. “This is Nanase Haruka, my friend from back in Australia. He moved here when we were going to high school, me to Samezuka and him to someplace here.” He gave the boy a nudge and he gave a stiff nod, looking away and muttering a greeting.

    Nagisa gasped, saying, “You have a girly name like all of us! We were meant to be friends, Haru-chan!” Rei pinched the blond’s arm, saying, “You don’t use that honorific right when meeting someone.” Then, to Haruka Nanase, he said, “I apologize for him, Nanase-san.”

    “Nanase is fine,” was his response, and Rei flustered. The bespectacled boy wasn’t used to saying someone's name without a honorific. “Okay then, N-Nanase.”

    “Nice to meet you, Nanase-kun,” Makoto said, smiling gently at him. The boy just looked away, and Rin decided it was time to go into the restaurant.

   Once inside, they all ordered, and he noticed that Haruka hesitated in ordering, but he ordered grilled mackerel, though he muttered, “I’m not hungry,” afterwards. Rin gave him a pointed look and he sat in silence, though he was quiet earlier, this one just seemed heavy.

    “Nanase-kun,” Makoto heard himself asking, “what do you like to do?” The addressed boy looked up, blinking in surprise before saying, “I like to read.”

    “What are you reading currently?”

    “ _Game of Thrones_ ,” he said, looking to the side again, ending the topic of conversation.

    “Haru-chan!” Cried Nagisa, and Makoto sweared he saw Haruka flinch. “Why haven’t we seen you around before? Rin tells us a lot of stuff about you–so much that I thought you were his boyfriend!” His burgundy eyes shined with genuine curiosity, but he just gave a vague answer.

     “I’ve been too busy,” he muttered, shrugging.

    Nagisa pestered him about what he’s been doing but two glares from Rei and Rin shut him up. Soon after their food arrived and everyone digged in–everyone but Haruka.

    “Are you hungry?” Makoto asked, motioning to his plate with his chopsticks. Haruka looked at his full plate before slowly taking his head. Makoto took two pieces of fish when Rin wasn’t looking, and he thought he saw the smallest smile on his face.

    Makoto engaged in other conversations but he tried to include Haruka many times. He knew Rin noticed this but neither remarked upon it, and for that he was glad.

    Nagisa asked Haruka another question: “Why are you so mean?” He was only joking, but it didn’t feel that way to the other male. Makoto watched as he hurriedly pushed back from the table, practically running out of the restaurant.

    No one questioned why the green-eyed boy ran after him.

 

* * *

 

_“I’ve been too busy.”_

_(He doesn’t tell them that he was busy with listening to a ghost and wanting to clean the cobwebs out of his chest or that he was trying to find a way to die without interruptions.)_

_“Why are you so mean?”_

_(He didn’t tell the blond that they had to move his heart twice, and it didn’t feel warm anymore.)_

    When he ran out of the restaurant, he noticed that the air was noticeably cooler now, and he shivered when a gust of wind came by. He started walking towards his apartment, but it was too quiet and the ghost decided to speak up.

    He leaned against the wall, squeezing his eyes shut and wishing that he could just compel the ghost away. His hands clamped over his ears and he didn’t hear the gentle voice until larger, warmed hands encircled his wrists.

    “Haru,” he heard, and he opened his eyes, seeing a vivid green. He then realized that he was looking at Makoto Tachibana, one of Rin’s friends. He closed his eyes again, wishing that he would go away.

    “Here,” he heard after that, and felt fabric being draped around his shoulders. Opening his eyes, he noticed that Makoto had placed his own jacket around him, and it effectively warmed him up. The green-eyed boy gave him a small smile before saying, “You were shivering pretty violently, so I thought you could use mine.”

     _(Haruka wanted to point out that he would be cold, but he was so warm.)_

    His eyes closed and he was hit with a storm of sleepiness. Before he lost himself to the blackness behind his eyelids, he felt those same hands grab his waist, and his head hit a solid chest.

_(He could be selfish for once.)_

_(The ghost complained he was always selfish.)_

    He woke up in his bed, placed under his covers with them lovingly tucked around him. He heard voices in the other room but he didn’t want to think and just went back to sleep.

     _(He didn’t want to wake up again.)_

_(If he died now he would die happy.)_

 

 

* * *

 

Makoto didn’t know what to do when Haruka suddenly went to sleep, half-leaning against the wall and the other half against him. He didn’t want to wake him up, so he settled asking Rin for his address. Luckily, it wasn’t too far away and Makoto positioned Haruka on his back to they could walk with him riding piggyback-style. He looked young enough to pass for a little kid anyway.

    Rin had told him there was a spare key above the doorframe, and he was able to reach it easily. Unlocking to door and letting himself in, he was surprised at the amount of books piled in stacks upon stacks. He found the bedroom easily, and he placed Haruka under the covers, tucking them around him like he would do to Ran and Ren, his twin siblings back at home.

    He called Rin, telling him he got Haruka back safely and was about to leave when Rin asked him to stay. He complied, not asking questions at all.

 

 

* * *

 

Haruka woke up again, this time unable to get back to sleep. He wandered out of his room, and was surprised when he saw Makoto on the couch, glasses askew and fingers curled around a book.

    He took off the glasses, and picked up the book. _Our Mutual Friend_ , by Charles Dickens. He had forgotten he even had that book. Placing it on another stack of books, he wondered what he should do with the person the the couch.

    He settled with interlocking their fingers together and picking up a random book to read.

    He was halfway through the book when Makoto woke up, saw their hands intertwined together, and bent down to place a kiss on Haruka’s forehead.

 

* * *

 

Makoto never asked him, but they were together. At least, that’s what he assumed. They kissed sometimes, hugged a lot, stayed over in each other's apartments and did everything a normal couple would do. They weren’t normal, because Haruka never told anyone about himself, except to not call him Haru-chan.

    Once Makoto saw him smile. He almost died inside.

 

* * *

 

Haru never told him how much he liked when his body was curled against Makoto’s. He felt safe, protected and like someone he’s not. Most times he moved closer, head resting against his chest to try and hear his heartbeat. Sometimes he did.

     _(A heartbeat that would outlast his own.)_

    When he couldn’t sleep he would nestle his head into the crook of Makoto’s neck and Makoto would gently sing a song he didn’t understand and run his fingers through his hair or down his back.

    _(Later on he looked up the song and though it was fitting.)_

_(The ghost said that Makoto meant he didn’t have to wake up.)_

    Every morning when he opened his eyes to see Makoto, the cobwebs that built up in his chest overnight were dusted away. He would close his eyes and pretend to be asleep sometimes, but sometimes he felt like holding his breath to see if Makoto would notice.

     _(His hand was always on the boy’s heart.)_

    Soon Haruka began singing the song Makoto always sang, feeling a little bit of comfort in it. He continued to read, take four-hour long baths and still felt like clawing open his chest to look for that missing something, but Makoto always made it better.

    He could calm down the smaller boy when he felt like crying, and sometimes he never had to do anything, just wrapped his arms around Haruka and rest his head on the boy’s.

      _(The ghost whispered things in his ear, but he could ignore them.)_

    It took him two months of knowing Makoto before explaining his story. He told him about everything; drowning in the tub to going to the hospital with nurses that were too cheery and tried to glue him back together. The again about clawing open his own chest and rupturing a vital organ that made him not hungry anymore and going back to the hospital.

    He didn’t tell him about the ghost, though. He wanted to keep the ghost to himself for now. It was a presence that he could find comfort in, one that told him he was never alone.

    It was another month before he let Makoto see the scars. He didn’t give them any special treatment after the first initial tracing them with his fingers. He did kiss one spot where two lines intersected but that was it.

    He didn’t expect Makoto to show him scars of his own; neat little pink marks that stood out against tan skin. He didn’t ask for the story but Makoto told. He was trying his hardest to be the perfect son in high school; no one but Haruka knew about his scars. He didn’t do anything towards them, just pressed his head against the bigger boy’s chest and felt arms wrap around him.

     _(What could he say to someone who knew how he felt.)_

    Haruka never did understand the difference between knowing and understanding.

 

 

* * *

 

Makoto tried his hardest to be everything for Haru. He comforted him, let him get away with not eating for a day, even if he did try to force some food in him the next day. Haru was like a planet he orbited around–their gravitational pulls never met.

    It took him some time to realize that they were orbiting a different planet, and once a blue moon their paths would cross each others.

 

 

* * *

 

The first time Haruka ever engaged in something sexual was with Makoto. His nerves were on fire, he felt nothing but bliss and for a long time, he forgot that there was a ghost or cobwebs in his chest.

    Makoto worried about hurting him, always asking if he was okay after everything he did. Sometimes he didn’t ask, and just took the noises Haruka was making as consent. When he first slipped inside of him, he didn’t deny that it hurt. But the pleasure outnumbered the pain and he was the loudest he’s ever been his entire life.

     He liked the way Makoto held him down into the bed covers. He felt like if another bit of pressure was placed on him, he would disappear.

     _(He realized that he didn’t want to disappear.)_

_(He wanted to stay with Makoto.)_

 

 

* * *

 

When Makoto woke up the next day, he was missing Haru by his side. He looked through every room, saving the bathroom for last. Logically, he should’ve checked it first, but he was scared to.

    Haru fell asleep again. His lips were blue, his skin like ice and his heartbeat almost nonexistent.

    He spent another week in the hospital before going back to the nurses with too cheery smiles who crushed his pills for him like a boy. He requested that intern he had last time, learning she was a full-time therapist now.

    He told her everything.

    How the ghost whispered louder when he was alone without distractions, how the cobwebs sometimes built up so he couldn’t breathe. He told her about meeting Makoto and how he was the only person who could dust out his chest without prying open his ribs. He told her about their first time, how he knew that he didn’t want to leave Makoto, but he tried to anyways.

    He stopped blaming the ghost, saying it was his own fault for trying to die all three times.

    He was given three new pills to take. Orange, Purple and White. Orange was a different antidepressant. Purple was for mood swings. White was a sleep aid.

    When he went back to his apartment, he wasn’t surprised that Makoto had moved in, his clothing filling up the empty spaces in his closet and drawers.

    Makoto was in charge of the pills, administering each one at the appropriate time. Orange in the morning, and he didn’t crush it in the water. Purple during lunch if he needed it. White around eleven, though sometimes he went to sleep without it.

    He started swimming again, and Rin was enthralled. He had boasted about how Haru was probably the only person who could beat him in a race. He wore a full body suit, still conscious of his scars, but no one remarked on it.

    He swam, he felt the water.

    And at night, as they’re going to sleep, he hears Makoto singing that same song.

_sing me to sleep_  
_i don't want to wake up_  
_on my own anymore_  
_there is another world_  
_there is a better world_  
_well, there must be_

**Author's Note:**

> well this was the result of reading half of the makoharu fics, listening to the song asleep by the smiths and remembering the book wintergirls by laurie wilson. i was totally going to go more in-depth with makoto's perspective but i liked writing from haru's too much.
> 
> tumblr is [ ils-mourront ](ils-mourront.tumblr.com)
> 
> edited: 26/6/15


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